My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.