a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
You Might Also Like
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.