I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
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There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
For anyone who needs this today
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
no their not