Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”