The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
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Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Botany good plants lately?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…