Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Reporter: *ports again*
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
New favorite tiktok
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
The happy life.. 😊
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!