Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.