No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
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[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Happy thanksgiving
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.