[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
How do horror writers compete with current events?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly