Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Hot Hot Hot
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’