@TheTweetOfGod

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

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@Matt_The_1st

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

@HomeWithPeanut

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

@XplodingUnicorn

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

@WilliamAder

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

@frankzulla

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

@XplodingUnicorn

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

@meganamram

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other