@Matt_The_1st Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
@TheTweetOfGod Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
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@Matt_The_1st 
@HomeWithPeanut My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
@ajlobster Banking tips
@XplodingUnicorn [terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
@Matt_The_1st *Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
@WilliamAder My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
@frankzulla Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
@XplodingUnicorn *snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
@meganamram This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other