@golubeerji

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

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@kimtopher22

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

@OlanDevine

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

@seamussaid

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

@gitson_shiggles

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

@blood_orphan

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

@MohanadElshieky

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

@Jake_Vig

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

@TeeJayRush

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

@girlontapas

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.