I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?