@kimtopher22 There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
@golubeerji I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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@kimtopher22 
@OlanDevine I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
@Manda_like_wine Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
@seamussaid if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
@gitson_shiggles Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
@blood_orphan 3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
@MohanadElshieky You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
@Jake_Vig Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
@TeeJayRush It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
@girlontapas How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.