I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
back to work
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Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear