“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
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Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
choose your gary
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)