[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
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A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.