My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
(Gaming support cat.)
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
some Old Testament wisdom
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.