I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.