Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.


[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree


If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?


When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.


The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.


2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”


(I’m not deleting this)


Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?


After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.


My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.


A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook