Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
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Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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