I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
My biological clock is wheezing.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’