I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
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*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
an airline just for babies.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
me 2 months after i graduated
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I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes