Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
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me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Not today
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie