As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
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Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.