WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris