Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
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Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Good Morning.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful