I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
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Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.