[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
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You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah