Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.