@the_kizzle hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
@Cheeseboy22 One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
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@the_kizzle @Cheeseboy22 I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
@envydatropic There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
@internetluke 
@envydatropic *Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
@MelissaDawn1974 Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
@dril i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
@Lisabug74 Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
@semple42 She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
@jwoodham When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”