@TheAlexNevil [first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
@Cheeseboy22 One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
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@TheAlexNevil 
@BlackJerms My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
@pauleggleston I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
@ShortSleeveSuit PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
@david8hughes [planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
@wendchymes Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
@marcusthetoken Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
@WalkingOutside Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
@mela_shea [first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
@ArfMeasures Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm