@Cheeseboy22

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

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@the_kizzle

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

@Cheeseboy22

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

@envydatropic

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

@MelissaDawn1974

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

@dril

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

@Lisabug74

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

@semple42

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

@jwoodham

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would BeyoncĂ© Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”