Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
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[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’