Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
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pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.