Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
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I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
That’s incredible! 👌
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
mood
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
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If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend