That’s incredible! 👌
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It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
mmm onion ringos
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity