Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
You Might Also Like
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.