It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
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dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Happy Taco Tuesday
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’