@omically

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

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@WheelTod

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

@david8hughes

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

@StevieKnip

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

@Browtweaten

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

@PetrickSara

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

@HatfieldAnne

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

@Aspersioncast

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

@YimsterFife

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.