*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
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*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
rapatouille
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville