Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
You Might Also Like
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*stirs coffee with knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.