*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth![]()
You Might Also Like
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
![]()
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.