Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
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Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.