this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
This is not me but this is me
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.