Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
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Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I