Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]