therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
You Might Also Like
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
#parenting
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
This story is comedy gold 😂
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.