Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
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Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.