A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
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Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.