Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
This is me
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay