I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
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Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.