Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
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I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Was it something I said?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
*jazz hands*