I bet my doctor wasn't expecting to say "Sir, that is not a toy" so many times today.

@markydoodoo

5 years ago

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

@PrisonCookies

3 years ago

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

@bewgtweets

5 years ago

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

@FloodyHippie

7 years ago

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

@e4moji

2 years ago

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

2 years ago

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.