I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”