I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5