It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
You Might Also Like
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.