I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Life hack
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard