🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
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You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I love you…
…r dog.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.