[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
this has done me in for some reason
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
brian had himself a morning…
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
They’re really bad with fonts.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter