Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
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If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up