friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea